Raising kings and queens
After my post yesterday on killing your “snooze” habit, a reader reached out to me and asked how to instill this kind of discipline in their own sons in an age appropriate way. This got me thinking about what we are learning about parenting, and I want to share some things that we have found to be helpful.
I will share more of the practical guidance we’ve implemented in a later post.
Today I want to tell you about the foundation underneath the practical guidance.
If I give you the practical guidance now, you will seek to use it like a tool to achieve a desired end.
Here’s the journey I had to go on first.
We have five children, 22, 20, 18, 16, and 9 months.
My awakening to Love came 7 years ago, when the four oldest were 15, 13, 11, and 9. They have journeyed with us on our adventure to Eden, and we’ve been an open book for them as we’ve transformed our lives.
While I’m sure they will bear the scars of wounds I caused, the evidence in their lives points to the redemptive story of love, as they all have a real and lively relationship with God.
When you go all in on Love, the transformation transcends time.
It’s not to late.
The kingdom is at hand.
Today is the day.
One of the things I’m most excited about having a baby at this late stage of the game is the opportunity to raise a child grounded in the story of love from the beginning. There will be less “undoing” of the old narrative in her life, as we are in a very different place now than we were when our four oldest were born.
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You have to cut the cord
The first parenting principle that I believe is crucial is that we have to first be initiated into true masculinity (and femininity) in order to teach our children. We can’t give them something we don’t have.
To be the best dad I can be, I have to go all in on being the person I was created to be. I have to face my fears, and allow myself to die and be reborn into the spiritual father that will lead them into adulthood. I can’t hold back.
Years ago, I stopped trying to make my parents proud and started making my kids proud. This is a profound shift that comes about when you are initiated into masculinity.
Of course, I know now that my parents are proud of me now, but I had to let go of that energy in order to become the man I was created to be. I had to find out what my identity is apart from them, and step into the calling God had on my life.
If I was overly concerned about what my parents thought of me, I would never have confronted the dragons that were destroying me. I had to let go of the fear that my confession of my sin would bring shame on their name (as it no doubt did).
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”
I think this is the dynamic that Jesus was describing when he said that we have to be willing to “hate” our own family in order to follow him.
We have to be willing to “cut our attachment” to our family - the sense of identity we get from them and the meaning we place on their opinion of us in order to be fully apprenticed to Love.
For years I carried the judgement of my father in my heart.
I didn’t say what I thought because of his voice in my head. I feared that he would critique it and find it lacking or wrong in some way.
It wasn’t until I completely cut the cord that I could follow Jesus into the fullness of life.
But again - Love is not bound by time.
Just as Love transformed my relationship with my teenagers (and transformed them), it also transformed my dad. Our relationship now is better than I ever dreamed it could be. But it couldn’t be that way until I cut the cord of seeking approval and fearing judgement.
I had to learn to get that approval and my identity from my Father instead of from my dad.
Cutting that cord was one of the profound steps that freed me to become the man that God meant me to be. In doing so, it turns out I am also a man that my dad is proud of, but the energy had to shift. It couldn’t come from my dad.
Burn yourself down
There is NOTHING that teenagers are interested in as much as experiencing what is REAL. It’s why they are tempted with sex and cigarettes, because these things give them a sense of transcendence.
An sense of something real.
When you immolate your old self on the burning pyre of transformation in Love and the real YOU arises from the ashes, they can’t look away.
I’m serious.
There’s nothing they want more than to know who you really are, because it PROFOUNDLY helps them discover who they are.
When they witness you being willing to burn your old self to the ground because you BELIEVE with your whole life, trust me, they will believe too.
Like Jesus said, your life will become a revelation of reality to them. A map for where to find the treasure they seek.
This is how you make disciples of your kids.
I see a lot of parents who get stuck in one ditch or the other.
On one hand, parents try to be cool enough for their teenagers to like them. To be their friend. You can only be friends with your kids at one stage of their lives - if you’re their friend when they’re young you won’t be their friend when they grow up.
On the other hand, parents use teaching and discipline from the top down to ensure that their children “turn out” right when they grow up.
Neither one of these approaches hit the mark.
When they see you fearlessly facing the truth of reality, speaking the truth in love, and going all in, they will respect you and want to be like you.
They will think of you as something way better than “cool”.
They will see you as the warrior, the lover, the sage, and the king that you are becoming.
They will WANT to apprentice themselves to you, because you have found the treasure they are seeking. The life they always hoped was available.
“When you immolate your old self on the burning pyre of transformation in Love and the real YOU arises from the ashes, they can’t look away. ”
Their whole being is oriented towards “mapping themselves onto what is most real” and when your life becomes a revelation of what is most real, it changes them.
That’s what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 28:19 when he said we are to “make disciples”. What he was saying was “map your life onto ultimate reality in such a way that your life becomes a revelation of ultimate reality to those you encounter”.
We often think of this in an extremely limited way - as a mere transference of facts that they can believe in (in their head). Belief in Jesus doesn’t start in your head - it starts in your heart. It’s a whole-life turn from living according the patterns of one kingdom to “living as if it were true” (faith) that Love is the ultimate reality.
Jesus said in John 8 that if we live out (embody) his teachings, we will experience reality in a way that liberates us. Having your mental furniture arranged properly according to the narrow dictates of a denomination (which is what substitutes for ‘belief’ in much of my Christian experience) is a pitiful substitute for what Jesus is saying here.
He’s saying “if you live according to Love in all things, you will experience what is most REAL in way that liberates you”.
Liberates you from your addiction, liberates you from the fear of what other people think, liberates you from the spirit of religion, liberates you to live the truth of who you were made to be.
“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Judgement vs. Curiosity
A fundamental shift from the kingdom of the world to the kingdom of heaven is to move from judgement to curiosity.
Your teenagers will feel this shift when you make it.
Your fear will try to force you into judgement.
Meet your teens with genuine curiosity instead.
Judgement says “I know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, and I know where that leads, so I’m going to cut it off right now”.
Curiosity asks “What’s the story you are believing that causes you to respond that way?”
This takes us back to where we started: initiation.
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If we are unable to bear the mystery of our own life, unable to sit in the silence and face the abyss, we will not be able to bear the tension of raising kids well.
We will seek to resolve the tension with certainty rather than to sit in the question.
Until we have been initiated into Love, we will short circuit our own becoming and theirs by tamping down dissent, dismissing hard questions, and busying ourselves to avoid the void in our own heart.
When you are initiated into Love, not only are you freed from needing the approval of your parents, you are also freed from ‘needing’ your kids to be a certain way.
We decided years ago that our kids are not here to make us happy. They are not here to fulfill us. We cannot allow ourselves to ‘need’ them to be a certain way in order for us to be ok. We have to get all of what we need from our union with God.
Lead your kids into a transformative relationship with the living God by allowing yourself to be transformed.
Born again, of the Spirit.
Born into Love.
Live as if it were true.
It turns out it is true.
Your kids will know the truth of reality and they will be liberated from the fears that keep them small.
